FROM THE DESK OF GERTRUDE MOUSE
Ahoy there Morris,
Hope you’re having a lovely time on the S.S.Naldera.
As far as what you’ve missed here, it’s been a mixed bag. Last week we had our yearly meeting with the General Operations Director and what a bore-off that was, gawd I’ve met moldy cheese with more personality!
Reg has been having trouble with his back again, and on the advice of his Doctor given up regular seating in favour of a large rubber ball for the purpose of strengthening his stomach muscles. To say he’s not quite got the finer points of balance is an understatement; he’s been falling off the ruddy thing all week.
Previous meetings, as you know, consisted two hours of complete mind numbing paralysis followed by the filing of minutes in the nearest waste receptacle found after exiting the boardroom. This year however, the G.O.D dropped upon us the steaming pile of follow-ups that is the yearly PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT REVIEW, and if you don’t know what that is, well basically we were each given a month to document the following on a very long form; what we do and why we do it, how we evaluate what we do in terms of our own performance, how we can better our performance to increase productivity, and as if that wasn’t enough … establish three new performance related objectives for the coming year; largely translated as ‘create unnecessary work for yourself with no extra pay and provide lengthy documented evidence to support it’.
Becoming even more drained of life than the rest of us, Ron and Reg covertly began an elastic band flicking challenge across the boardroom table (difficulty level correlating directly with time spent and boredom level accruing). Fortunately, the first, not quite thought through, challenge of firing one through a taught piece of note paper went largely unnoticed over the sound of the G.O.D’s self –serving monotonous drone … the second however did not!
Wide eyes and scowls from the rest of us did little to deter the game and 45 minutes in Ron raised the stakes by balancing a paperclip between his ears. Loaded up for the challenge, Reg was set to launch the trajectory of a lifetime and I think he may just have pulled it off had his attempt to stifle a fit of the giggles not translated down into the rubber ball on which he was precariously seated. Forty-seven minutes in and Reg went flying backwards and the band shot off in the direction of the nose of the G.O.D … and our PM deadline shot down from one month to one week! I don’t think I’ve ever had to muffle a laugh so much in my entire life … Morris I swear I thought I was going to burst! Despite having a full cup in front of her, Millie rushed over to the tea urn in an attempt to pull herself together but I could hear the teaspoon rattling uncontrollably in her cup as she stirred in the milk.
After a few days of collective performance management related panic, Millie took the bull by the horns and telephoned the G.O.D. On pointing out that the depot would need to close for three days in order to complete related paperwork, a compromise was reached agreeing that each employee (in their own time) would come up with one way in which to increase their productivity over the coming year.
As head of staff, Millie’s decided to target team building, which basically means we’re all going on a jolly once a month at the expense of head office. So far we’ve come up with; rock climbing, woodland assault course, murder mystery weekend, country dancing, treasure hunt and panic room challenge. If you have any ideas Morris, just drop me a line and I’ll add them to the list.
In more exciting news … preparations for this year’s Harvest Festival are going well, it’s been a good year for crops. I’m sending you a sketch of us all decorating the church; I imitated your style just incase you want to include it in your blog. Suffice to say we all miss you very much and this year’s celebrations won’t be the same without you. On that note, I was talking to Winston the other day and he says he’s been working on some correlations to ping you back here for Christmas … he reckons if you time it right you could be back here for a month and your crew won’t even notice you’ve gone. The wonders of time travel eh! Have a think about it, Clive’s already threatening to ‘whoop our arses’ at Twister if you’re not around on Boxing Day and Millie will probably kill herself trying to get the decorations down from the loft if you’re not on paw to remind her about ladder safety.
As you can see our new correspondence paper is back from the printers, Millie says you did a cracking job with the design of the new letterhead, oh and everyone sends a big thank you for the gifts you sent from Tangiers, they were a lovely surprise.
Look after yourself buds, hopefully see you in a couple of months!
What do you think of Gertrude's scribbles? I think if she was criminally minded she could make a small fortune in the art fraud market. Morris would love to hear from you, just drop him a line here or under his Instagram, Facebook or Twitter shares. © All images and story content copyright of lynncf