107 – Kirstums and Jobsworth

Dear Lucy,

Last week we found ourselves in a spot of bother after getting pinched by the fuzz for scrumping down at Dodds Orchard.

It’s a bit of a long story so I may as well start from the beginning which was actually the week before last week.  On the way back from shopping in Mouse Town, Millie and Lottie got chatting with Brenda (who runs the old folks retirement village) and on discovering that Brenda had had a run of cancellations for her afternoon ‘busy paws life enrichment’ sessions, volunteered to run an autumn wreath making workshop the following week once they’d sourced and sorted necessary supplies. 

To keep costs down Gertrude had suggested we take a trip to Dodds Orchard to gather some crab apples whilst Bramley and Pip were away in the Algarve, so on the Tuesday we spent a pleasant afternoon harvesting all we needed.  Just as we were finishing up however, Sergeant Kirstums and PC Jobsworth of the local constabulary received a call to the station reporting nefarious activity down at Dodds Orchard. Sods law, I was the only one up a tree when Kirstums and Jobsworth arrived on the scene.  As Jobsworth enquired as to whether I had permission to be on land that clearly wasn’t mine I looked around in search of backup from Gertrude and caught a glimpse of her furry arse hot footing it back in the direction of the Post Office Depot. Millie and Lottie were nowhere to be seen either, although as the (rather long and one sided) questioning continued, interruptions from intermittent thuds as apples hit the ground saw Millie and Lottie soon hauled over from their hiding place behind the tree.

Kirstums, who knew us well having worked for many years down at the depot before better career prospects and an increase in disposable income to fund her designer shoe habit lured her on to the force, was more than happy to let us off with a verbal caution and a promise of popping in for a coffee next time she was passing the depot, but Jobsworth who was busy scribbling detailed notes in his police notepad had other ideas. Three days later whilst Sergeant Kirstums was dodging rubber bricks on her riot training refresher course, Jobsworth set in motion a series of dawn raids and hauled us all in for questioning.  I hadn’t even had my first coffee so was mildly peeved with the intrusion but Millie was really angry because she’d been in the middle of prepping veg for pumpkin soup that she and Lottie had intended to take with them to the old folks village that afternoon, and Gertrude, well she was really pissed off because she generally is when told to do something she doesn’t want to do.  Gertrude was the only one who resisted arrest, waived her right to remain silent and ended up being brought down the station in cuffs.

Down at the station we were all ushered into interview room 1, numbered to sound official but actually the only interview room in the building.  Whilst PC Jobsworth separated a number of neatly prepared pieces of evidence from a paper-clipped bundle and began referring to his notebook, Millie opened her cake tin and used the lid to set out a heap of crab apple pastry tarts.  There wasn’t enough chairs around the table, fortunate in a way because every time Jobsworth went to speak I started dragging a heavy chair over from the far end of the room which made a really loud farty noise as the rubber feet reverberated across the wooden floor.  After about the fifth time of me stopping, saying sorry and then starting again a frustrated Jobsworth, in need of a sugar rush, grabbed a tart and chomped down on it, at which point Millie pointed out that he was now in receipt of stolen goods and promptly reached over to press the stop button on the interview tape machine.  A split second later Gertrude (who’d raced off on the day of the incident to send an urgent telegram to Bramley and Pip) slapped a postcard down on the table. 

Dear Gertrude,
Having a great time in the Algarve. Hope you and the gang managed to harvest enough apples for the old folks.  Wish you were here!
Love Bramley and Pip xx  

The interview was over before I’d got my chair to the table.

The residents enjoyed the workshop and have asked us to come back to run a Christmas one.  Sergeant Kirstums kept her word and popped round for a coffee Saturday morning, she asked us not to be too hard on Jobsworth as he’s new to the station and eager to earn his stripes.  By way of a peace offering we tipped him off about Tiddles regularly fouling in Mrs Jenson’s front garden and not covering it up.  He’s on a stake out behind Mrs Jenson’s bins as I write.

Hope you are well,

Love M.M.

Have you ever been arrested? Actually, don't answer that question, I really don't want to know!  Perhaps you have some interesting scrumping stories though. Morris would love to hear from you, just drop him a line here or under his Instagram, Facebook or Twitter shares. Ⓒ All images and story content copyright of lynncf

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